heart

This is my third attempt at creating this blog post. It has changed each time I've tried to write it so here is draft number 3.
Today was a good day. Kris, Monkey, and I participated in the American Heart Walk in memory of my DAD. I have been thinking about and planning for this walk for a few weeks. I have cried everyday, sometimes multiple times, for a few weeks. When we signed up I thought it would be a nice thing to do and plus we could get some exercise in the process. But I had no idea how important the walk would become. Thanks to friends and family we were able to raise $350 for the American Heart Association in honor of my dad, Tommy Miner. The daily tears were something I was not prepared for. I think I was so emotional because for the past few weeks I have been thinking about my dad and talking about my dad every single day. I do think about him all the time but a wave of guilt floods over me when I realize a few days have gone past and I didn't think about him. Sometimes I feel like if I go 2 days without thinking about him then it means I have forgotten him or that I don't love him as strongly as I used too. When the simple fact is that I am very busy and God has given me alot on my plate and quite honestly my dad would think its pretty silly to feel guilty about this anyways. But in all honesty I miss my Dad. There I said it. Sometimes I feel weird saying it. Like if someone hears me they might think "Geez, Melissa. Its been 4 1/2 years. Time to move on". And for a long time I didn't say it out loud for fear someone would think this about me. Or if I did say it outloud it was only to a handful of people who I knew would not judge me or think I was pathetic. But today I stop that. I don't give a crap what anyone thinks or says about this. I MISS MY DAD. I miss him more than anyone will ever know. And I am no longer going to hide saying it, or feel embarrassed because I feel like that. My dad was amazing and loving and just totally rad. And I hate the fact that it took me so many years to admit that. I hate that I was an idiot teenager who was too cool for school and I treated him like crap. But I am thankful that it all changed when I was about 16. And I am happy that he NEVER gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. And I am very thankful for the amazing life he gave Dylan and I and for the amazing year he had with Lilly. And I am thankful knowing that when he died knew he was loved because I had told him he was. And I can also say I am sad. I am sad for the many years I won't have with him. I am sad because Thomas will never see his face or hear his voice. I am sad that Lilly doesn't remember him very well. But I have the peace in knowing we WILL be with him again and thats what I can hold on to. I love you Dad. And I miss you.